Attention humans

I am Cyrus the Conqueror. I am not Mr. Whiskers. I am not Kitty the Conqueror. And I am most asuredly not Wittle Whiskers the Wonkerer. If you must speak, address me as your majesty, as you should every cat whose presence you are fortunate enough to be in. It has come to my attention that one of your ilk had the good sense to include me in his manuscript. I will overlook the fact that he did not ask my permission. The quality is such that to execute him would be a waste of human talent, what little your species possesses.

The story does not focus on me, and I am thankful for it. It is unlikely a book could adequately capture the wondrous life a cat leads. No, this monkey scrawl focuses on one of your own, Cy Lekkas. He is extraordinary in comparison to the rest of you and not just because he buys me gormet cat food. He can speak to me in the majestic language of cats, not that gutter language you use. He can speak to other things as well, doors, stoves, ceilings, anything really. He is called a Speaker. His kind has been known to my people for millennia. They live forever, speak in tongues, and eat strange foods that fuel their powers.

They are still humans despite themselves, and monkeys will be monkeys. They play games, steal from one another, beat their chests, and fight. Really, if you hadn't shed so much of your fur, I don't know if I could tell you apart. It seems that Cy stole a pearl from another Speaker, Christian, who then sold the pearl to antoher Speaker, Seth, who discovered it a fraud. Seth demanded that Christian find Cy and retrieve the pearl, hence the fall of dominos that lead to action-packed fights, daring rescues, and an epic faceoff of immortals. I watched the whole thing from the top of my couch and was quite impressed.

The whole thing is 110,000 words. How a human assembled 110,000 coherent words, I do not know. But there it is. He calls it contemporary fantasy and titled it BLACK MAGIC AND BARBECUE SAUCE. His name is Joe Selby, and he has written coherent words before. Perhaps he is a genetic anomoly. His ten-minute play was produced in Sioux Falls, SD, as a finalist in the Kennedy Center ACTF. He wrote the role-playing rule book, Dangerous Denizens for Kenzer & Co. in 2003. And he wrote 33 role-playing adventuures for Kenzer & Co. and Wizards of the Coast. This will be his first commercial novel. I am told he also follows your blog. I do not see the appeal. Your inclusion of a dog marks it as an inferior endeavor. Perhaps if you were to feature a cat, you might garner some success. I may be willing to make an appearance if your tribute is worthy.

That is all.


Your benevolent feline overlord

Cyrus the Conqueror

One task I have been avoiding is fixing the chapter numbering. I have deleted three chapters so far. One just wasn't relevant and got the axe. The other two I never finished and when I got to them, I saw why. Neither warranted their own chapter and both were resolved by adding a sentence (or less) to the preceding or succeeding chapter.

I am now 65% finished with revision and am confident that any chapters remaining will be kept. I'm moving toward the climax and those chapters left all represent pieces that need to be moved into position. This means that I can renumber all the chapters. A pain in the ass if you're not using Word (where you can view as outline and see all your chapter titles if you marked them as Headers rather than text). But I did it nonetheless and now my chapters are properly sequenced.

Black Magic and Barbecue Sauce is 69 chapters long. How fitting. :D

Twas the night before Election Day ...

Twas the night before Election Day, and all through the nation,
People worried about housing, economics and taxation.

The voters were all dressed in theirs blues and their reds,
While visions of prosperity danced in their heads.

On televisions and radios still churned such a clatter,
From promises and double-talk that hardly still mattered.

From uneducated children arose such a riddle:
Who plays tug-of-war with an old man in the middle?

Obama and Biden versus Palin and McCain,
With poor Uncle Sam enduring the strain.

But when tomorrow is over we'll be in the know,
(Unless Florida screws up like eight years ago).

And after this election has faded from sight,
We'll have 'till the next to debate who was right.